Thursday, September 25, 2008

Here is the algorithm for Indian Movies

1) "Only a girl will know the mind of another girl" (this dialogue can be delivered even by a 70 year old 'girl').

2) The father of the hero of an action movie will be dead. If he is not dead, then he is the villain. But the hero will come to know of this relationship only in the climax (and the father will turn over a new leaf).

3) It's always the mother of the hero who falls ill forcing the hero to steal to pay for the medicine.

4) The villain's wife never approves of his activities.

5) The hero and heroine can never tell from where a song is coming...They go on looking the wrong way till the song ends.

6) The villain's jeep can never catch up with the hero running zigzag, wounded in the leg and carrying a child.

7) Smugglers invariably keep a diary. Though they have been in the business for ages, their diary never runs into several volumes, it's always a single leather-bound pocket size booklet.

8) When the market-scene has come, can the fight be far behind ?

9) During car chases, the cars knock down so many push carts laden with vegetables, newspaper stalls, piles of empty cartons, etc. without any casualty. And when the cars go over a bridge, one of the cars is bound to fall from the bridge. (The hero can get the lorry he is driving leap into the air just by pulling the steering wheel up)

10) If the hero is a police officer, the constable who accompanies him is always a comedian.

11) The heroine, who has been a congenital shrew (bajaari), will turn into the 'epitome' of Tamil (Telugu etc) culture the moment she catches a glimpse of the hero.

12) All romantic films, one of the following is true:

The families of the hero and heroine have a generations long feud. One of them is rich and the other is poor. They are from different castes/religion.

13) When the hero accidentally knocks down someone or pulls the knife out of a dead man, he is promptly arrested, convicted and sent to prison. But in the climax he mows down hundreds of the villain's henchmen and walks free.

14) The entire police department (if hero is a not a policeman) or the entire police department minus the hero (if hero is a policeman) is corrupt (the comedian-constable is the exception).

15) Policewomen always wear figure 'hugging' uniforms.

16) When the villain attempts to molest the heroine, the hero is always within the earshot and promptly apprears in the scene but waits till the heroine's dress is completely torn and till the villain is just going to make it. This is not true when an attempt is made on the modesty of the hero's sister (see 17. below).

17) About the hero's sister, one of the following is true :

She is handicapped. She gets raped and/or killed by the villain / villain's son.

18) The bomb the villain places at the feet of his (tied up) victims has a 500 metre long (or longer) fuse. The time would have been set for 60 seconds but it would still be showing 58,57... even after 15 minutes.When the hero at last arrives and throws the bomb away (which always happens when there is just 1 sec remaining), the bomb always lands in a no-mans-land.

19) When the hero is a college student, all his friends are comedians (looking considerably older than the hero himself). None of them (including the hero) has any academic ambitions.

20) When orphanned brothers go citywards, they never make it to their destination together.And always one (or both) of them falls into bad ways. What reunites them at the end may be just anything : a mango mole in the small of the back, the distinct way they scratch the head or dig the nose, the lullaby their mother used to sing, the lockets they manage not to lose over the years or anything as silly.

21) The villain's sidekicks wear 'bizarre' uniforms and ride the same model motorcycles when chasing the hero's car. One by one, all of them are nudged out of the road by the hero. The more intelligent sidekick who avoids the flank of the hero's car and remains behind it crashes into the rear of the car when the hero 'intelligently' applies the brake.

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