Some Funy Signboards and Billboards

Negotiation Skills (Joke)

The top marketing director of Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church. If you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope looks outraged and thunders, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord, It must not be changed. " Well," says the Nescafe man somewhat chastened, "We anticipated your reluctance.

For this reason, and the importance of the Lord's Prayer to all Catholics, we will increase our offer to $300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, even more sternly, the Pope replies, "That, my son is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe director says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, we realise that tradition is essential to your beliefs, we fully understand the importance of the word of the Lord, but we do have one final offer. Please discuss it with your cardinals. We will donate $500 million to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'. Please, please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news...... The good news is, he continues to a hushed assembly, ' that the Church will get $ 500 million."

"And what is the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"Sadly" continues the Pope...

We would have to lose the Britannia account and go on with the Nestle! 

Psychologist and Lawyer in Library (joke)

A guy asks a girl in a library; Do you mind if I sit beside you?


The girl answered with a loud voice; I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!.


All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.


After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said, 'I study psychology and I know
what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?'


The guy responded with a loud voice: What??? $200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!
...And now all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.


Then, the guy whispered in her ears, 'I study Law and I know how to make others feel guilty'.

Just for laugh gags ! !

A couple of secs.. (joke) ;)

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"


"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."


So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, intercourse, puberty and menstruation.


Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"


And he carries on, "A couple is two people like your mom and me." And he goes on to describe gay, lesbianism, etc...


The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"


"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..." the girl replies.


Moral: If you don't understand the question properly, even the well-described answers are useless.

Man and a boy in airplane (joke)

A man was seated next to a boy in an airplane. He was feeling bored so he turns to the boy and says, Lets talk.


The boy, surprised, asks "What do we talk about?"


Man replies, how about the nuclear power?


Confused, the boy says, before that let me me ask you a question...


The boy continues, "Horse, Cow and Deer, all eat the same grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty and horse clumps. Why?"


Surprise over boy's knowledge, the man simply says "I don't know". 


The boy asks, "Do you really feel enough qualified to discuss nuclear issues when you don't even know shit?"


Moral: Don't judge a person by appearance. Some times, even kids might be more knowledgable than adults

Weight Loss Program (Funny Story!)

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.


The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.


She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.


The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."


Without a second thought, he takes off after her.


A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.


The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.


On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.


The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.


She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."


Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.


This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.


So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.


Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.


He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.


"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."


"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."


The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"


He lost 63 pounds that week.

Funny and Hilarious Jokes (No Offense) ;)

1. The Old Nun:


An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.


She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.


She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"


They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"


One of the steel workers yelled down "Why?"


The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch.




2. Burial in Jerusalem:


A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000. 


The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"


the husband replied, "Long ago, I heard that a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!




3. 40 years of marriage:


A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant..


Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table..


She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.


The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.


The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.


The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old


Moral: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.




4. Cannibal Story:


Cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu


Sun Grilled Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer with garlic: $9.00
Freshly Baked Politicians: $150.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?'


The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? Â They're so full of shit, it takes all morning!'




5. Talking Parrot:


A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.


"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.


The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."


The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."


The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."


When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."


The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.


Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.


The bird looked at him and said, "Hi John."


... Then the fight started!




6. The Deaf Bookkeeper:


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.


When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.


The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks are, that he embezzled from me."


The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."


The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."


The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"


The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."


Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"


The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"


The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."




7. Party Crashers:


The host at a party was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.


She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea.


He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood.


Then he asked "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?" About twenty-five people stood up.


Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave. This is a birthday party!"




8. Conversation with God:


Man: God?
God: Yes?


Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!


Man: What is for you a million of years?
God: A second.


Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.


Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
God: Wait a second. 

Funny Signboards