1. The Old Nun:
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steel workers yelled down "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch.
2. Burial in Jerusalem:
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"
the husband replied, "Long ago, I heard that a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!
3. 40 years of marriage:
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant..
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table..
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old
Moral: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.
4. Cannibal Story:
Cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu
Sun Grilled Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer with garlic: $9.00
Freshly Baked Politicians: $150.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? Â They're so full of shit, it takes all morning!'
5. Talking Parrot:
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi John."
... Then the fight started!
6. The Deaf Bookkeeper:
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.Â It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks are, that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.Â Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win!Â The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
7. Party Crashers:
The host at a party was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.
She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea.
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood.
Then he asked "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?" About twenty-five people stood up.
Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave. This is a birthday party!"
8. Conversation with God:
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What is for you a million of years?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
God: Wait a second.